oh yeah, i'm pregnant!

i'm not quite sure how i suddenly got to be 18 weeks along and haven't written anything about it yet - but that's exactly what has happened. i think about it every day (obviously) and what i would write down if i were going to - and then i don't. so now i'm going to try and make up for the last few months. please bear with me - i really want to have a record of this for later. You can check out all the photos from the pregnancy here. if you would like to relive my pregnancy with mia (and who wouldn't!) you can check here (there is also a link to the right).

***

5/29/06
memorial day 2006 - another holiday start (we found out about mia on christmas day 2004). the test came out really dark. no doubt about it dark. i was so scared and excited all at the same time. after 3 miscarriages between september 2005 and january 2006 i was not prepared for another one. but there was no doubt about this test - there was something going on. holy crap.

we sat on the information for a couple days and then told family and close friends. i'm sure people were weary of me telling them i was pregnant at that point - just knowing they'd have to console me later. bah.

***

7/3/06
at nine weeks i wrote this down elsewhere:

i'm pregnant. 9 weeks along now - or so the calendar tells me. i really can't get a grasp on it, though. and because it's my 5th pregnancy and i've lost 3 in a row i don't really want to talk about it. well...i do...but it's hard. i want to be all screaming to the world "i'm tired and bitchy becuase i'm having a baby!!!" but i might not have a baby and then i will have screamed for nothing. again. so i'm not telling anyone. just immediate family and 1 or 2 close friends and the invisible friends on the internet.

so here's the breakdown:

• i'm pregnant
• but i might not really be pregnant. again.
• if i am i could still lose it. again. (everytime i go to the bathroom i obsessively check for blood. every stomach ache i have i'm sure i'm having a miscarriage. )
• i could totally stay pregnant this time!
• holy shit - how are we going to pay for daycare?!
• i need a drink!!! - oh yeah, i'm pregnant.

i can't even tell the people who know how scared i am. how sure i am that when i go in to have my ultrasound on wed. that i'll end up having to schedule a d&c. again. i'm trying so hard to stay positive and at the same time brace myself for the possibility that it's not going to work out. and so it goes.

and so here i sit, crying my eyes out over something i can't do anything about. again. i haven't cried like this in a long time and you know what? i feel a bit better now. 9:30am is not too early for ice cream, i have decided.

***

7/5/06
and then there was this:

pretty cool, right? here's what i wrote down that day:

i'm stunned. apparently there is a small person living in my stomach. swimming around, heart beating, newly formed hands waving. living.

we (josh is awesome about coming to appts with me) went in for our first check up and ultrasound yesterday. he was calm and collected, not a care in the world. i was anxious. sweaty. near tears.

as i laid down for the ultrasound i closed my eyes and waited for those words "doesn't seem to be a heartbeat". but instead i heard "there's the little one..." my eyes flipped open and tears streamed down my face. no joke - it was right there on the screen. my little one. and just one. "alive and single - just how we like 'em!", said josh.

so we stared for a while and had pictures printed up for us so we could stare some more. and that's what i've been doing since yesterday.

i'm in all sorts of shock and disbelief. i really didn't expect good news. i mean, i really hoped for good news, shit - even twins! but did i expect it? no. part of my defense mechanism is to set myself up for the worst. that way i can only be pleasantly surprised because i "knew it wouldn't work out". this might sound silly, and it might not really help, but it's what i do.

basic dr. visit stats - i'm starting this pregnancy at 103 lbs. 8 lbs. less than i was when i started with mia but a whole lot flabbier.

***

8/1/06
2 week check-in with the doctor. ganied 1 lb - putting me a 104. the heartbeat is there and strong, whew!

i was really bugged by the doc that checked me out this time (we rotate through the docs in the practice until the last couple months). he was nice and all but he was way more interested in how josh was handling the pregnancy than me. must have asked him 4 times if he had any questions. and he only let us listen to the heartbeat for a couple seconds.

but still! it was there!

***

mia told the daycare instructors that i was pregnant.

she was sitting with a pregnant teacher and they were asking mia about the baby in the teachers fat belly and she told them matter-of-factly "mama baby belly".

they thought it was pretty cute and told me about it when i picked her up that night. they were shocked to find out that i was actually pregnant. she's smart, i'm telling you.

she's been so sweet about the baby. i really think she might know what's going on (sort of). she pets my belly and gives it hugs and kisses. if you ask her where the baby is she's very clear that's it's down low in my belly (not sure where she picked that up - but she's right). she's gonna be an awesome big sister.

***

the first few months i felt nothing but headaches. i kept hoping they would pass...but no. i never did get "sick" though. but the headaches, ugh! like the worst hangover ever and i couldn't even take anything to make it better.

i didn't want to eat and when i did it was crap (just like a hangover!). the worse i felt the less water i wanted to drink and then the headache got worse....and around and around we go.

i've also got a mean pinched nerve in my left leg. if it keeps up like this i might just chop it.

***

8/29/06
16 week check-in with the doctor. gained 3 lbs. - putting me at 107. good lord...3 lbs?! all those burgers are catching up to me, damn it.

i was starting to get worried about the baby again. 4 weeks is really too long to go between visits, i think. and then, just a couple days before my appt. i felt the first little kicks. a whole month earlier than i felt mia and it was such a relief. i will gladly have my guts kicked for an extra month if it lets me know the baby is alive and well.

and apparently it is.

***

9/7/06
and that brings us to today.

the headaches are finally subsiding which is wonderful. i finally feel like a normal person again (relatively speaking, of course).

i have moved into maternity clothes full time as of 2 weeks ago. my body remembers pregnancy well and wants to jump to the end, i guess. a full month earlier into the fat pants with this one than i was with mia. at least it's still hot here so i can wear my clothes from my first pregnancy (all summer clothes). and by the time winter rolls around i'm guessing i'll be pretty hot anyway.

i've done pretty well with avoiding the negative thoughts about the pregnancy. i have all but stopped having vivid, out of nowhere thoguhts of miscarrying. of planning how we would handle things, how long it would tak me to "recover" from this one. if i would ever want to try again.

yesterday was rough, though. yesterday i realized that there is always the chance that something could go wrong. that the baby could be unhealthy. or deliver early. or not at all. it was a rough night. and just as i was beginning to slip into a depression about it? the bugger kicked me as if to say "get over yourself. there's nothing you can do so just chill out and enjoy it." kick kick. good advice, little one. thank you.

***

so there you go - 4.5 months all rolled into one not-so-short entry. and yes, i added the cliche pregnancy ticker - it'll be gone in a few months :)