tomorrow is a big day.

yes, tomorrow is valentine's day. never a big hit with me. never. hate it. ugh. but! mia's got a pizza party tomorrow at school (her first pizza party - how cool is it that she's grown up enough for a pizza party?) and she's beyond excited. pizza!! party!! school!!

and.

they're inducing me tomorrow at noon. we're actually going to have another baby. crazy.

today mia woke up her usual happy self and came to snuggle with me in bed before abandoning me for hot milk and barney (some things are just bigger than mom, you know). after josh took her to school he came home and we spent a couple hours lounging around the house and playing zelda. seeing as how i was up with insomnia from 3-5 i even got to sleep in a little late. then we enjoyed a nice vietnamese lunch and a little shopping before picking mia up again. we headed to the hospital for one last non-stress test and then out to our last dinner as "just 3".

there were a lot of "lasts" this weekend and today. i just tucked mia into bed as an only child for the last time. sang her the songs that have been just hers for the last time (as she'll have to share them soon). one last ride in the car with just one full carseat. one last night without a baby. this is the last night with my big baby belly. the last night i'll feel the baby kicking and squirming about on the inside of me. probably the last night i will ever be pregnant again. which is kind of freaking me out as i truly love being pregnant. even when it's really really hard? it's just as wonderful. and i'll never get to do it again.

of course i also finally get to meet this little person who has been causing me so much trouble. seriously? stretchmarks? your sister didn't think it was necessary to give me stretchmarks. did i do something to offend or embarass you already? probably, yes. and what's with the possibility of you being so big?! there is one side of our little family square that has big people. one. and you had to pull from that gene pool?

there are also a lot of "firsts" around here. tomorrow will be the first time that mia sleeps without us - and the first time that i sleep without her. her first sleepover at a friends house! and when she wakes up on thursday (or at least by the end of the day)? she'll be a big sister. that's huge.

and josh and i will be parents to two children. huh? how did that happen? we were just 20 years old the other day and suddenly it's 11 years later and we're married with two kids. and the time only seems to go by faster each day.

pregnancy - 41 weeks and counting

first, here are some pictures from last weekend. the belly, it's taken over.





at a week past due the doctor starts you on non-stress tests to watch the baby's heart rate and make sure that your fluid levels are ok on a regular basis - that started yesterday. the baby looks good. so good, in fact, that s/he's decided that s/he doesn't ever want to come out. just like mia. what is it with these stubborn babies of mine? i don't know where they could get that. sheesh! my contraction pattern is steady all the time but unfortunately it's not doing anyone a lick of good. i have not progressed at all and things aren't looking good for a natural start to this labor. we're talking induction and/or c-section these days. it's good to have a plan going because honestly? i don't think i can handle this pregnancy much longer.

physically i'm just beat down. i feel, literally, as though i've been kicked in the crotch all day long. i have a hard time finding my balance when i stand up. the stretch marks are running a wicked race along the front of my belly and starting to actually hurt. i can't sleep at night and end up napping for hours and hours during the day. i am swollen from head to toe. all this and i know that i'm going to miss my pregnant belly. how is that even possible? oh, and as of today the dosctors are measuring the baby (+/- a pound and a half) at 9.4. HA!

emotionally there are days when all i can do is cry and nap. nap and cry. i'm so tired and uncomfortable now i don't want to move and all of these things are adding to my general depression. depressed about still being pregnant, having to go through induction again, not being able to really keep up with mia, and other various things that have nothing to do with anything. good lord it's time to move on to the next stage in the hormone roller coaster! and that's scaring the crap out of me, too. much to my surprise i didn't get ppd with mia. i was totally expecting it as i was being treated for depression when i got pregnant and was a (normal) hormonal mess while pregnant. but it never came. this time around i'm much more, shall we say, sensitive at this point and it's got me worried. after all, i didn't have to worry about a toddler the first time around. and newborns? they're a cake walk compared to a toddler.

i'm worried about what kind of mother i'm going to be to two children. right now i'm already so much more and less of the mother i thought i would be. all at the same time. does that make sense? there are things i never thought i would be able to handle and there are days when i catch myself doing things i swore i never would. but just how am i going to manage two? two who will be completely different. require me to switch gears all day long? will i be able to be the mom/teacher/playmate that mia needs while she's home with me on maternity leave? will i be able to recognize everything the new baby needs while handling mia? and will i get lost in the shuffle and forget to take care of myself this time around? and josh and i just seemed to fall back into our own relationship - will it take another two years to find each other? all these things have me up at night.

i can't wait to meet this new little person. really. and i already can't imagine having made the choice not to have another child. but still. i'm scared. and most days i just want MY mommy.

39w6d and bored.

according to the doctor i'm 1cm dilated and 75% effaced. which is more dilated than i was with mia at this point so that's something, i guess. but i've gained significantly more. at 40 weeks with mia i had only gained 28 lbs. this time around i have already gained 39. and i can feel it. i'm really not sure how i haven't broken a hip or tipped right over.

anyway...i'm bored, people. bored to tears. not bored enough to keep mia home with me, of course. no point in both of us being bored all day. and not bored enough to tackle the piles of laundry building up behind me. or bored enough to walk the dog (what? it's cold!). but bored enough to complain about it and then find something to eat while finishing up the blanket i started nearly 2 years ago. at least i'm getting something done, right? i was having more braxton hicks last night as i lay in bed so i started to visualize things progressing. but then i got bored and fell asleep.

so here i sit (while bouncing on my yoga ball), bigger than big, drinking double amounts of raspberry leaf tea to "tone my uterus" and waiting. just waiting.

Impending fatherhood

**originally written by josh just before mia changed our lives. thank you, mom, for holding onto this for me.

I don't write too much about the fact that I'm going to be a dad in the next couple months, not because I'm not excited or anything like that, but mostly because it's an experience so many others have gone through that I don't think it would be all that interesting to anyone else. And really, I don't have much to say beyond "I'm excited." I imagine it will be quite a shock when that baby finally pops and I'm suddenly a dad, but dads don't bond till the baby's out, moms have 9+ months of bonding before there's a baby in the world. I've prepared myself the best way I know how and try to take advantage of the time to myself I know I won't have come BIRTHday. But really, it's hard to think about anything other than the pregnant wife, as I won't have any idea what my baby will be like until s/he's out. And the pregnant wife is quite a lot to think about and if I stop thinking about the pregnant wife I'll surely be reminded in the next two minutes. I suppose that, in a way, taking care of a pregnant wife is akin to taking care of a child. They are not shy about talking about bodily functions, they are unruly, impatient, seem to always have a booboo, need lots of love, always asking for something, blah blah blah. So that there is a preparation of sorts and a way of bonding with the baby in a six degrees of seperation kind of way. The baby needs me because my wife needs me. But it's a role sort of akin to a personal assistant to the bonding executive. I even have paperwork to complete, like daycare apps, finance papers for the babysafe car, and family leave forms. I'm certain it will all be worth it. My wife is hurting and impatient but all we both really want is to start being parents. The baby is a reward for enduring the punishment of pregnancy. I really believe that pregnancy is a punishment. As much as I know my wife loves me, pregnancy is hard on her emotionally and physically and incredibly hard on a relationship. Before pregnancy, a certain amount of selfishness in a relationship is perfectly acceptable. Pregnancy starts to break that down, codepency is no longer a psychological concept. My wife really needs me to help her physically and emotionally and I need her to prepare me to become a dad and that comes in the form of feeling the thumps from the lump (feeling the belly) and doing household projects to prepare. Following pregnancy, and I'm only guessing here, we become parents and the codependency shifts from her and I needing each other to the baby needing us. I am certain this will be more rewarding and for that I am truly excited. So come on baby, let's enjoy the fruits of mama's labor (pun intended)!

pregnancy - 37w 4d

i went in today with really high hopes that things had progressed. i'd been having more and more intense braxton hicks contractions and my pelvis feels like it's being split open. good signs!

but no. nothing has progressed. and because the baby gave me a break in the pain and movements today the doctor gave me another ultrasound to make sure that the baby hadn't flipped into a breech position. it hasn't. it is, however, at an angle into my pelvis on the right side. just like mia was. and i haven't progressed at all.

i was told that the baby would not be coming this week and to get out and walk. at which point i had to try very hard not to burst into tears. i honestly don't know why i'm so obsessed with getting the baby out. other than being uncomfortable and fearing for a huge baby, i mean. it's just not ready yet - i just have to keep telling myself that. sure, i might be ready, but that means nothing. bah.

oh, and i gained another 3 lbs. since last week. damnit all to hell. not gonna stop me from stuffing my face with indian food at lunch, though.

just in time...

...for it to not be ok. mia, the kid who could not sleep in our bed not because we didn't want her to but because she would want to play and giggle and poke us in the eyes? wants to (and can) sleep in our bed. she has crawled into our bed the past 3 days and then gone back to sleep for over an hour each time. which is great in that she's sleeping longer. but not so great in that we have a queen and soon will have a little one in there for her to squish and be jealous of.

and what are we going to tell her? that there's only room enough for the baby? that's just awful. but i don't want to tell her she can't climb into bed with us for her last hour of sleep in the morning, either. i've been waiting 2 years for her to snuggle with me in bed. can't win, i tell ya.

in other news, i'm still pregnant. which i should be, i suppose, as i'm only 37 weeks along. but still. the increasing braxton hicks and trouble getting around have grown old. AND (this one is for all of you haters out there - you know who you are) i got my first stretch mark. it's little and not too dark (yet) but it's still there. right smack in the middle of my belly.

i've just been a bit of an emotional wreck this weekend. no c-section - hooray! but possible huge baby which could then lead to a c-section. crap! also, i am really excited and anxious to begin labor on my own this time. i didn't get to do it with mia and feel like i missed so much. of course, they'll probably want to induce me soon if i don't start progressing since they think the baby is big. and i really don't want that at all. and round and round it goes in my head until i just end up on the couch in a heap. crying for no reason and telling mia that no, i'm not sad, i got an owie but i'll be ok. stupid hormones and fake contractions giving me hope of delivering early.

but anyway...

we've begun to get things even more ready around the house. bought a crazy huge amount of diapers and wipes, there's the baby meds we might need, the lotions and creams i'm sure we'll need, etc. and today? today we shop for snacks. i plan to fill the cupboards with things to snack on so i won't have to either leave the house or cook for a while. hell, i should do that anyway as i neither like to leave the house or cook - new baby or not.

news is good.

so! the doctor just called and there is no sign of placenta previa! which means no scheduled c-section.

also, the baby is measuring at 7.2 lbs. holy wow. that's about what mia weighed when she was born at 42w 5d. holy mother. so i've been ordered to "get up and walk and get that baby out of there before it gets much bigger." and that's what i'll do, i guess. walk, clean, hell, jump up and down if i need to.

everybody together now - "get out, baby!"

no news is no news.

36w 4d and nothing to tell. had an appt. this morning and expected to hear the results of the ultrasound from monday but they hadn't recieved the results yet. they're supposed to call me with the results of those today, though.

what she could tell me is that i'm not quite 1cm dilated and my cervix is soft. and that she guesses that the baby is about 7lbs already. now we all know how guesses go but i still have at least 3 weeks to go - ah! i sure hope they call with the baby's actual measurements soon.

oh, and i'm 136lbs. 33 lbs gained so far.

pregnancy - 36 weeks

we had another set of ultrasounds yesterday to check on the baby's size and the palcenta's location but we won't know anything for certain until tomorrow. so why am i even bothering with this post, you might ask? well so that i can show you one of the two most beautiful babies in the world, that's why. i give you, el-bow:

as you can see s/he has the same lips and cheeks as mia already. and those are some pretty good parts, you know!

and then there's me. the carrier. how am i doing, you ask? i. am. done. i'm anxious to get this show on the road. i'm tired and uncomfortable and none of my clothes have fit for weeks now.

yesterday the ultrasound tech said that she "couldn't see" my placenta. which is good in that it's most likely moved out of the way of my cervix and so i won't have to have a c-section (again, we won't know that until tomorrow) but on the other hand - shouldn't she have seen it somewhere? i mean, we know it's in there, so where is it, exactly? doesn't give me too much confidence in her and i'm thinking that we might have to go back in for another round of ultrasounds. bah.

i got all worked up and upset about the possibility of having a scheduled c-section but after a few weeks and as i grew more and more uncomfortable the idea kind of grew on me. i would know when it was coming. i could take some time off beforehand without worrying that i was going to go really late again. it would be over soon! but now i'm back to square one. and having to reaquaint myself with the thought that this baby could be in here for a while and i can't plan a thing. but it's good. natural is better than an operation. i know that. but still. i'm done.

i do think that the baby will come out sooner rather than later, though. with mia i wasn't uncomforatble at all, really. i mean, i was huge and swollen but i wasn't really all that put out being pregnant. not this time. i feel the baby down low - much lower than i ever did with mia. my braxton hicks have been picking up over the past couple days and come this weekend i'll be "at term" and can safely have the baby. so maybe this one will be just as we thought and be the "anti-mia". in that it will come early and be a completely different kind of newborn. the good and the bad all rolled into one.

and how's mia handling this all, you ask? splendidly. we've set up the nursery complete with the swing, bouncy chair, baby toys, blankets, etc. and mia is in heaven. she has been playing quietly in the baby's room every day now. i'll find her all wrapped up in a blanket, bouncing in the bouncy seat and playing with a rattle. it really is sweet. and yes, it's a little weird and she might have a hard time adjusting at first but really? the baby can't play with most of these things for months anyway and mia has decided that it's her job to teach the baby how to do certain things. namely: how to sit up and how to play with it's toys. she's told me that she will help with diapers and give the baby lots of kisses. she asks us every day "is the baby coming?"

yesterday she could see the baby's face clearly in the ultrasound and it hit her a little more that there was a baby in there. she spent the rest of the day hugging and kissing the belly and watching it move. and last night every time she thought i was uncomfortable or in pain she would pat my shoulder and ask oh so sweetly "oh mama, the baby's moving?" i love that kid.

of course she's not all sunshine and rainbows right now - don't get me wrong. she's fully embracing the twos with all her might and has been standing her ground on things a lot more. she's also been a bit more emotional than we're used to. especially when she's tired. the other night she got to crying about something and couldn't calm down so she put her head on my belly and told me that she would "just cry a little bit, mama, ok?" and so she did. and then she was better. sometimes it just feels better to cry.

so yeah, i think she's gonna be just fine. sure, it might take a while and there will be bouts of jealousy, but that's normal and expected.