i've fallen in love with another man. he's short and not very well spoken. he doesn't have much hair, has bad skin and is a bit cross-eyed. he's incontinent. he sleeps a lot. doesn't have a job. but oh...i can't help myself.
i knew i would love him. i've loved him for 10 months already. but to see him here, in my lap. watching him sleep, listening to his tiny snore...i'm a goner. and it's going by so quickly my heart hurts. he's not even 2 weeks old and things are already changing. his eyes are open more. focused more (even the lazy one!). he is starting to pay attention as i'm talking to him during diaper changings. and tonight, for the first time, he kept his eyes wide open while he nursed. soon he will be looking at me while he's eating and then my heart might just explode.
and can someone please explain to me just how they can possibly smell so good all the time? i know if i didn't bathe and pooped my pants all day i wouldn't smell that good.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
settling into our new roles.
we all have new roles in the house these days. old jobs we'd forgotten about and new ones we didn't know we'd have to take on. mia has had more adjustments to make than anyone (well...maybe not as much as gideon...) and she's been a star.
where josh and i have been getting used to breastfeeding, diaper changing and sleep deprivation mia has had to get used to sharing her parents, being out of school, a baby in mom's bed and having to use her "inside voice" more and more each passing day.
we were so worried that she was going to start acting out, insisting on sleeping in our bed, becoming more and more attached to one of us and being resentful of gideon. so far we haven't had to deal with too much. her sleep routine has shifted a bit - it takes her longer to settle into bed at night and she insists on napping in our bed during the day. but that's it. she is sweet as can be with gideon (when she remembers that he's here - he sleeps a LOT still) and is very understanding when we can't attend to her right away because we're busy with the baby or something else in the house.
of course...josh is still home full time. she still has attention from one of us pretty much whenever she wants. starting next week this could be a whole different ball game. please wish us luck.
where josh and i have been getting used to breastfeeding, diaper changing and sleep deprivation mia has had to get used to sharing her parents, being out of school, a baby in mom's bed and having to use her "inside voice" more and more each passing day.
we were so worried that she was going to start acting out, insisting on sleeping in our bed, becoming more and more attached to one of us and being resentful of gideon. so far we haven't had to deal with too much. her sleep routine has shifted a bit - it takes her longer to settle into bed at night and she insists on napping in our bed during the day. but that's it. she is sweet as can be with gideon (when she remembers that he's here - he sleeps a LOT still) and is very understanding when we can't attend to her right away because we're busy with the baby or something else in the house.
of course...josh is still home full time. she still has attention from one of us pretty much whenever she wants. starting next week this could be a whole different ball game. please wish us luck.
induction, labor, birth, BABY!
nearly 2 weeks ago i had a baby. what follows is a blow by blow of the induction, labor and (finally) birth of gideon eugene klapow:
02/14/07
12p – i check in at L&D for induction. starting to get nervous about it all – hoping it goes well. i give my urine sample, change into the gown and am hooked up to the monitors to watch the baby’s heart rate and my contractions. same story – i’m having contractions every 10-15 minutes, at some point they change to 5-10 minutes. strong but not strong enough to be too uncomfortable. and completely ineffective. they’ve been like this for weeks now.
1:30 – in goes the IV. holy hell this was a pain. yhe nurse has a nursing school resident following her today and she’s assured me that she’s pretty good at IVs and so she’s going to let her put mine in. i tell her that it’s ok but that i’m not overly thrilled with IVs anyway. it’s a good thing the primary nurse stayed in the room as the resident shot through my vein, tried to come back up and then wiggled that damned needle around for a while before the nurse made her take it out and applied tons of pressure to my arm so that i wouldn’t end up with a crazy bruise. and then they had to put it in again. and on that one they watched and watched, expecting my arm to fill up with fluid (it didn’t!). so far i’m not feeling all that comfortable with things…and of course josh is at my side, letting me squeeze the hell out of his hand and about to pass out. but he didn’t – and i’m totally surprised and impressed.
2p – they start pitocin and plan to up the dose every 30 minutes until things level off and start really working. josh leaves to go and get something to eat, check the dog, post to flickr, etc.
2:20 – a tech is called from the lab to take my blood samples. thank god.
2:30 – at this point i’m having more contractions but they’re not nearly as strong. i snuggle up in bed with some This American Life podcasts and take a quick nap.
4p – josh comes back just in time to unplug all my cords so that I can run to the bathroom. whew! as i’m in the bathroom the resident nurse comes in to turn up the pitocin (we’ve gone from 1-8 now). i will be locking the door on all future trips to the bathroom.
5p – josh sneaks me ½ a cliff bar to munch on and just as he hands it to me the nurses all walk in to check things and i’m forced to quickly hide my contraband before it is seized and i am reprimanded. josh is in the corner trying very hard not to laugh at me. I AM BORED.
6p – and now it’s 6. i’ve been on the pitocin for 4 hours now and it doesn’t really seem to be working. the nurse doesn’t seem to think that it’s odd but I’m getting nervous. after all, mia took 2 inductions. and by this time with the second try i was well into labor. not so much with this one. they’re not going to turn it up at this point, though. i’m having runs of contractions and the baby is decelerating a bit during them (normal) and they don’t want to “rocket the baby out”. so we just sit and wait and see. oh yeah, and i’m all kinds of swollen from the IV drip and sitting around. good times. josh is bummed he didn’t bring his Wii with him. And i’m so bored i’m letting him watch basketball. not looking like we need to worry about the possibility of a valentine’s day baby, though. and now Josh is on his way to rent a movie or two, get some dinner (that he had better not bring back and eat in front of me!) and maybe even post this to the blog.
7p - almost as soon as josh left my doctor showed up to check and see how things were going. by now they had upped the pitocin to "8.0" and my contractions were clustering up quite a bit. 3-4 big ones in a row and then a break. i still wasn't really feeling them any stronger, though. the doctor was pretty surprised by that and said something about how well i must tolerate pain. um...no. and then they noticed that the baby wasn't really liking all the contractions together like that so they decided to stop the pitocin for a while and let me eat. before she had the words out of her mouth i was on the phone to josh requesting mass amounts of food. you know, to add to the dinner they were going to feed me in the hospital. who knew when they would offer me food again?! and so the pitocin stayed off for a couple hours and we stuffed ourselves.
9p - back on the pitocin now and we try to watch a movie. but we're both so drained from the long day we've had that we decide to try and nap instead. it's here when the tired really hits me. i start crying and crying. i'm so tired and so disappointed at how things are going. but soon enough i calm down and we sleep.
02/15/07
12a or so - my doctor calls to give us a couple options. we can either keep trying with the induction and probably have to deliver with another doctor (she stops being on call at 8am) or we can go home first thing in the morning and come back on friday (the 17th). josh and i look at each other and know right away that there is no other option for us. we're not leaving. there is no way we are going to leave after all this time only to have to start over again on friday morning. so we push on. back to napping. if only the nurses did come in every 30 minutes to up the pitocin, check my blood pressure, etc.
4a - after catching maybe 3 total hours of sleep i watch josh sleep and wait for 5am to roll around so that i can get up and take a shower - josh should really get as much sleep as possible. after all, after i have the baby he's going to have to take care of mia while i rest in the hospital.
4:45a - the nurses come in to check my cervix and up the pitocin yet again. i tell them that i'm going to take all my monitors off for a few mintues and take a shower and they tell me - get this - that i "can't". ha! i tell them that i can and i will be taking a shower now, thank you. so they turn off the pitocin, huff and puff and go away for a while. the shower is beyond relaxing and gets me ready to start another day of induction. here we go again. and this time i'm 3cm dilated!
5:30a - shift change. the new nurses come on and the lead nurse tells me that i seem grumpy. huh? poor josh, he knew i was going to lose it. and i do. i had been in the hospital for over 17 hours at that point. little to no sleep. so yeah, lady, i'm grumpy. we did not start off on the right foot.
8a - the on call doctor shows up for rounds. she checks me and verifies that i am 3cm dilated and that my cervix is soft - but very high. she offers to break my water and get things moving. but i decline. as silly as it sounds, i'm afraid of the pain. my cervix is so tender on a regular day and the average cervical exam is very painful for me. i'm not really looking to have a crochet hook set up there. besides, my water broke on it's own with mia. sure, it took a long time, but it broke. and we've already been here a long time. i can tell she thinks i'm making a mistake but she doesn't try to push me.
11a - after another 3 hours of unsuccesful induction and another crying jag (or 2) i finally ask for the doctor to return and break my water.
1:30p - the doctor shows up and checks me, still at 3cm. i brace myself and in she goes with the crochet hook to break my water. it is as uncomfortable as i thought it was going to be but it's over fairly quickly. gush! it's the same as i remember it from when i had mia. like peeing your pants - sudden and warm. and such a relief. the contractions are instantly worse. the difference between the contractions with and without the bag of water is crazy. all those women out there that labor without relief to the end? you have my utmost respect. that shit is crazy painful. after 15 minutes i ask for the epidural.
2:10p - the anesthesiologist arrives with the drugs - woo hoo! my epidural with mia was quick and painless. over before i knew it began. i told the doc he had big shoes to fill as i expected the same treatment. unfortunately it went about as well as my IV placement. 2 tries and 20 minutes before it was done. more than the discomfort of getting the needles and whatnot in right i remember my water continuing to flow. with every contraction i had it felt like my water was breaking all over again. i told the nurse it seemed like a lot - that i wasn't sure whether or not i actually was peeing myself. she told me it was normal and i know she thought i was exaggerating. well after 20 minutes of water gushing out she went to clean me up and was blown away by the lake i was sitting in. it was pretty gross. and not at all warm by that point. but in a matter of minutes i couldn't feel it anymore.
3p - all cleaned up and feeling numb i settle in for the rest of the waiting game. they keep the pitocin on for about an hour to make sure that the contractions keep up at a steady pace. and once they turn it off the contractions stop all together. grr. so back on the pitocin i go.
4p - our friend, lisa, brings mia by for a visit. she's a little wary of all the tubes and the hospital in general but is soon acting like her normal weird self. crawling all over me and asking for a snack. she gives me lots of hugs and tells the baby to get out already so we can meet him/her. and within 20 minutes she's telling josh that she's "ready to leave the hospital now" and lisa takes her away. it's now that i realize that soon (no, really!) we will have another one here. soon mia really will be a big sister. not in theory but in reality. she will have to share us. we will have to share her. soon we'll be parents again. soon i will have to try and push a potentially HUGE baby out of my body. ah! the nurses tell us not to expect anything for another 4 hours and josh decides he needs a nap.
5p - the nurses come in to check me and holy moly i'm at 7cm! hooray! they are still convinced that it will be another 3 hours before go time, though.
6p - my epidural this time around is dramatically different than it was with mia. so much better. i can feel my legs. i can feel all of my contractions. not in the way that they are painful - just in that i can feel my muscles tightening and i know where they are focusing their efforts. and thank god i can feel them this time because i know that things have moved quickly. i call the nurse in and tell her that the baby is ready. i can feel the contractions in my rear end. please check me already. and i'm right. the baby is right there. it's time to push. they run out of the room, grab me a mirror and call the doctor. and we start the pushing game. i have let the nurses know that there will be no cheering on their part. no overly enthusiastic "way to go!"s, please. they roll their eyes a bit but agree. the mirror is awesome. a little shocking at first - but just amazing. and really, really helpful. between the lightish epidural and the mirror i can feel and see just what i need to do in order to get the baby out. i honestly didn't even think about how big s/he could be once i started pushing - just that i needed to push. i could see the muscles working and then i could see the baby. amazing. i reached down and felt his head - so squishy and wet - the strangest thing i've ever felt. and then i pushed again and the head was out. i could feel the relief in my body. another push and and the body slipped out. it was over. and it was all beginning. and i heard the words, from josh, for the first time "it's a boy". this is where i am so proud of josh. he fought against himself and watched the baby being born. how he didn't pass out i'll never know but i'm so glad he was able to share in watching our son join us.
6:47p - they laid him immediately on my chest and josh cut the cord. they did what they needed to do with him (eye goop and whatnot) while he was still on my chest, i delivered and got to view my placenta and then everyone left the room. we were left alone with a nursing baby for just over an hour. he nursed well and immediately for 45 minutes. right away i couldn't imagine him not being with me. was he ever really inside me? when they finally did do weights and measures he came in at 9 lbs 4 oz and 21 inches long. how in the hell did i manage that? and how was it easier than with mia? crazy.
so there you go - we have a son, Gideon Eugene. and he's amazing.
02/14/07
12p – i check in at L&D for induction. starting to get nervous about it all – hoping it goes well. i give my urine sample, change into the gown and am hooked up to the monitors to watch the baby’s heart rate and my contractions. same story – i’m having contractions every 10-15 minutes, at some point they change to 5-10 minutes. strong but not strong enough to be too uncomfortable. and completely ineffective. they’ve been like this for weeks now.
1:30 – in goes the IV. holy hell this was a pain. yhe nurse has a nursing school resident following her today and she’s assured me that she’s pretty good at IVs and so she’s going to let her put mine in. i tell her that it’s ok but that i’m not overly thrilled with IVs anyway. it’s a good thing the primary nurse stayed in the room as the resident shot through my vein, tried to come back up and then wiggled that damned needle around for a while before the nurse made her take it out and applied tons of pressure to my arm so that i wouldn’t end up with a crazy bruise. and then they had to put it in again. and on that one they watched and watched, expecting my arm to fill up with fluid (it didn’t!). so far i’m not feeling all that comfortable with things…and of course josh is at my side, letting me squeeze the hell out of his hand and about to pass out. but he didn’t – and i’m totally surprised and impressed.
2p – they start pitocin and plan to up the dose every 30 minutes until things level off and start really working. josh leaves to go and get something to eat, check the dog, post to flickr, etc.
2:20 – a tech is called from the lab to take my blood samples. thank god.
2:30 – at this point i’m having more contractions but they’re not nearly as strong. i snuggle up in bed with some This American Life podcasts and take a quick nap.
4p – josh comes back just in time to unplug all my cords so that I can run to the bathroom. whew! as i’m in the bathroom the resident nurse comes in to turn up the pitocin (we’ve gone from 1-8 now). i will be locking the door on all future trips to the bathroom.
5p – josh sneaks me ½ a cliff bar to munch on and just as he hands it to me the nurses all walk in to check things and i’m forced to quickly hide my contraband before it is seized and i am reprimanded. josh is in the corner trying very hard not to laugh at me. I AM BORED.
6p – and now it’s 6. i’ve been on the pitocin for 4 hours now and it doesn’t really seem to be working. the nurse doesn’t seem to think that it’s odd but I’m getting nervous. after all, mia took 2 inductions. and by this time with the second try i was well into labor. not so much with this one. they’re not going to turn it up at this point, though. i’m having runs of contractions and the baby is decelerating a bit during them (normal) and they don’t want to “rocket the baby out”. so we just sit and wait and see. oh yeah, and i’m all kinds of swollen from the IV drip and sitting around. good times. josh is bummed he didn’t bring his Wii with him. And i’m so bored i’m letting him watch basketball. not looking like we need to worry about the possibility of a valentine’s day baby, though. and now Josh is on his way to rent a movie or two, get some dinner (that he had better not bring back and eat in front of me!) and maybe even post this to the blog.
7p - almost as soon as josh left my doctor showed up to check and see how things were going. by now they had upped the pitocin to "8.0" and my contractions were clustering up quite a bit. 3-4 big ones in a row and then a break. i still wasn't really feeling them any stronger, though. the doctor was pretty surprised by that and said something about how well i must tolerate pain. um...no. and then they noticed that the baby wasn't really liking all the contractions together like that so they decided to stop the pitocin for a while and let me eat. before she had the words out of her mouth i was on the phone to josh requesting mass amounts of food. you know, to add to the dinner they were going to feed me in the hospital. who knew when they would offer me food again?! and so the pitocin stayed off for a couple hours and we stuffed ourselves.
9p - back on the pitocin now and we try to watch a movie. but we're both so drained from the long day we've had that we decide to try and nap instead. it's here when the tired really hits me. i start crying and crying. i'm so tired and so disappointed at how things are going. but soon enough i calm down and we sleep.
02/15/07
12a or so - my doctor calls to give us a couple options. we can either keep trying with the induction and probably have to deliver with another doctor (she stops being on call at 8am) or we can go home first thing in the morning and come back on friday (the 17th). josh and i look at each other and know right away that there is no other option for us. we're not leaving. there is no way we are going to leave after all this time only to have to start over again on friday morning. so we push on. back to napping. if only the nurses did come in every 30 minutes to up the pitocin, check my blood pressure, etc.
4a - after catching maybe 3 total hours of sleep i watch josh sleep and wait for 5am to roll around so that i can get up and take a shower - josh should really get as much sleep as possible. after all, after i have the baby he's going to have to take care of mia while i rest in the hospital.
4:45a - the nurses come in to check my cervix and up the pitocin yet again. i tell them that i'm going to take all my monitors off for a few mintues and take a shower and they tell me - get this - that i "can't". ha! i tell them that i can and i will be taking a shower now, thank you. so they turn off the pitocin, huff and puff and go away for a while. the shower is beyond relaxing and gets me ready to start another day of induction. here we go again. and this time i'm 3cm dilated!
5:30a - shift change. the new nurses come on and the lead nurse tells me that i seem grumpy. huh? poor josh, he knew i was going to lose it. and i do. i had been in the hospital for over 17 hours at that point. little to no sleep. so yeah, lady, i'm grumpy. we did not start off on the right foot.
8a - the on call doctor shows up for rounds. she checks me and verifies that i am 3cm dilated and that my cervix is soft - but very high. she offers to break my water and get things moving. but i decline. as silly as it sounds, i'm afraid of the pain. my cervix is so tender on a regular day and the average cervical exam is very painful for me. i'm not really looking to have a crochet hook set up there. besides, my water broke on it's own with mia. sure, it took a long time, but it broke. and we've already been here a long time. i can tell she thinks i'm making a mistake but she doesn't try to push me.
11a - after another 3 hours of unsuccesful induction and another crying jag (or 2) i finally ask for the doctor to return and break my water.
1:30p - the doctor shows up and checks me, still at 3cm. i brace myself and in she goes with the crochet hook to break my water. it is as uncomfortable as i thought it was going to be but it's over fairly quickly. gush! it's the same as i remember it from when i had mia. like peeing your pants - sudden and warm. and such a relief. the contractions are instantly worse. the difference between the contractions with and without the bag of water is crazy. all those women out there that labor without relief to the end? you have my utmost respect. that shit is crazy painful. after 15 minutes i ask for the epidural.
2:10p - the anesthesiologist arrives with the drugs - woo hoo! my epidural with mia was quick and painless. over before i knew it began. i told the doc he had big shoes to fill as i expected the same treatment. unfortunately it went about as well as my IV placement. 2 tries and 20 minutes before it was done. more than the discomfort of getting the needles and whatnot in right i remember my water continuing to flow. with every contraction i had it felt like my water was breaking all over again. i told the nurse it seemed like a lot - that i wasn't sure whether or not i actually was peeing myself. she told me it was normal and i know she thought i was exaggerating. well after 20 minutes of water gushing out she went to clean me up and was blown away by the lake i was sitting in. it was pretty gross. and not at all warm by that point. but in a matter of minutes i couldn't feel it anymore.
3p - all cleaned up and feeling numb i settle in for the rest of the waiting game. they keep the pitocin on for about an hour to make sure that the contractions keep up at a steady pace. and once they turn it off the contractions stop all together. grr. so back on the pitocin i go.
4p - our friend, lisa, brings mia by for a visit. she's a little wary of all the tubes and the hospital in general but is soon acting like her normal weird self. crawling all over me and asking for a snack. she gives me lots of hugs and tells the baby to get out already so we can meet him/her. and within 20 minutes she's telling josh that she's "ready to leave the hospital now" and lisa takes her away. it's now that i realize that soon (no, really!) we will have another one here. soon mia really will be a big sister. not in theory but in reality. she will have to share us. we will have to share her. soon we'll be parents again. soon i will have to try and push a potentially HUGE baby out of my body. ah! the nurses tell us not to expect anything for another 4 hours and josh decides he needs a nap.
5p - the nurses come in to check me and holy moly i'm at 7cm! hooray! they are still convinced that it will be another 3 hours before go time, though.
6p - my epidural this time around is dramatically different than it was with mia. so much better. i can feel my legs. i can feel all of my contractions. not in the way that they are painful - just in that i can feel my muscles tightening and i know where they are focusing their efforts. and thank god i can feel them this time because i know that things have moved quickly. i call the nurse in and tell her that the baby is ready. i can feel the contractions in my rear end. please check me already. and i'm right. the baby is right there. it's time to push. they run out of the room, grab me a mirror and call the doctor. and we start the pushing game. i have let the nurses know that there will be no cheering on their part. no overly enthusiastic "way to go!"s, please. they roll their eyes a bit but agree. the mirror is awesome. a little shocking at first - but just amazing. and really, really helpful. between the lightish epidural and the mirror i can feel and see just what i need to do in order to get the baby out. i honestly didn't even think about how big s/he could be once i started pushing - just that i needed to push. i could see the muscles working and then i could see the baby. amazing. i reached down and felt his head - so squishy and wet - the strangest thing i've ever felt. and then i pushed again and the head was out. i could feel the relief in my body. another push and and the body slipped out. it was over. and it was all beginning. and i heard the words, from josh, for the first time "it's a boy". this is where i am so proud of josh. he fought against himself and watched the baby being born. how he didn't pass out i'll never know but i'm so glad he was able to share in watching our son join us.
6:47p - they laid him immediately on my chest and josh cut the cord. they did what they needed to do with him (eye goop and whatnot) while he was still on my chest, i delivered and got to view my placenta and then everyone left the room. we were left alone with a nursing baby for just over an hour. he nursed well and immediately for 45 minutes. right away i couldn't imagine him not being with me. was he ever really inside me? when they finally did do weights and measures he came in at 9 lbs 4 oz and 21 inches long. how in the hell did i manage that? and how was it easier than with mia? crazy.
so there you go - we have a son, Gideon Eugene. and he's amazing.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
tomorrow is a big day.
yes, tomorrow is valentine's day. never a big hit with me. never. hate it. ugh. but! mia's got a pizza party tomorrow at school (her first pizza party - how cool is it that she's grown up enough for a pizza party?) and she's beyond excited. pizza!! party!! school!!
and.
they're inducing me tomorrow at noon. we're actually going to have another baby. crazy.
today mia woke up her usual happy self and came to snuggle with me in bed before abandoning me for hot milk and barney (some things are just bigger than mom, you know). after josh took her to school he came home and we spent a couple hours lounging around the house and playing zelda. seeing as how i was up with insomnia from 3-5 i even got to sleep in a little late. then we enjoyed a nice vietnamese lunch and a little shopping before picking mia up again. we headed to the hospital for one last non-stress test and then out to our last dinner as "just 3".
there were a lot of "lasts" this weekend and today. i just tucked mia into bed as an only child for the last time. sang her the songs that have been just hers for the last time (as she'll have to share them soon). one last ride in the car with just one full carseat. one last night without a baby. this is the last night with my big baby belly. the last night i'll feel the baby kicking and squirming about on the inside of me. probably the last night i will ever be pregnant again. which is kind of freaking me out as i truly love being pregnant. even when it's really really hard? it's just as wonderful. and i'll never get to do it again.
of course i also finally get to meet this little person who has been causing me so much trouble. seriously? stretchmarks? your sister didn't think it was necessary to give me stretchmarks. did i do something to offend or embarass you already? probably, yes. and what's with the possibility of you being so big?! there is one side of our little family square that has big people. one. and you had to pull from that gene pool?
there are also a lot of "firsts" around here. tomorrow will be the first time that mia sleeps without us - and the first time that i sleep without her. her first sleepover at a friends house! and when she wakes up on thursday (or at least by the end of the day)? she'll be a big sister. that's huge.
and josh and i will be parents to two children. huh? how did that happen? we were just 20 years old the other day and suddenly it's 11 years later and we're married with two kids. and the time only seems to go by faster each day.
and.
they're inducing me tomorrow at noon. we're actually going to have another baby. crazy.
today mia woke up her usual happy self and came to snuggle with me in bed before abandoning me for hot milk and barney (some things are just bigger than mom, you know). after josh took her to school he came home and we spent a couple hours lounging around the house and playing zelda. seeing as how i was up with insomnia from 3-5 i even got to sleep in a little late. then we enjoyed a nice vietnamese lunch and a little shopping before picking mia up again. we headed to the hospital for one last non-stress test and then out to our last dinner as "just 3".
there were a lot of "lasts" this weekend and today. i just tucked mia into bed as an only child for the last time. sang her the songs that have been just hers for the last time (as she'll have to share them soon). one last ride in the car with just one full carseat. one last night without a baby. this is the last night with my big baby belly. the last night i'll feel the baby kicking and squirming about on the inside of me. probably the last night i will ever be pregnant again. which is kind of freaking me out as i truly love being pregnant. even when it's really really hard? it's just as wonderful. and i'll never get to do it again.
of course i also finally get to meet this little person who has been causing me so much trouble. seriously? stretchmarks? your sister didn't think it was necessary to give me stretchmarks. did i do something to offend or embarass you already? probably, yes. and what's with the possibility of you being so big?! there is one side of our little family square that has big people. one. and you had to pull from that gene pool?
there are also a lot of "firsts" around here. tomorrow will be the first time that mia sleeps without us - and the first time that i sleep without her. her first sleepover at a friends house! and when she wakes up on thursday (or at least by the end of the day)? she'll be a big sister. that's huge.
and josh and i will be parents to two children. huh? how did that happen? we were just 20 years old the other day and suddenly it's 11 years later and we're married with two kids. and the time only seems to go by faster each day.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
pregnancy - 41 weeks and counting
first, here are some pictures from last weekend. the belly, it's taken over.
at a week past due the doctor starts you on non-stress tests to watch the baby's heart rate and make sure that your fluid levels are ok on a regular basis - that started yesterday. the baby looks good. so good, in fact, that s/he's decided that s/he doesn't ever want to come out. just like mia. what is it with these stubborn babies of mine? i don't know where they could get that. sheesh! my contraction pattern is steady all the time but unfortunately it's not doing anyone a lick of good. i have not progressed at all and things aren't looking good for a natural start to this labor. we're talking induction and/or c-section these days. it's good to have a plan going because honestly? i don't think i can handle this pregnancy much longer.
physically i'm just beat down. i feel, literally, as though i've been kicked in the crotch all day long. i have a hard time finding my balance when i stand up. the stretch marks are running a wicked race along the front of my belly and starting to actually hurt. i can't sleep at night and end up napping for hours and hours during the day. i am swollen from head to toe. all this and i know that i'm going to miss my pregnant belly. how is that even possible? oh, and as of today the dosctors are measuring the baby (+/- a pound and a half) at 9.4. HA!
emotionally there are days when all i can do is cry and nap. nap and cry. i'm so tired and uncomfortable now i don't want to move and all of these things are adding to my general depression. depressed about still being pregnant, having to go through induction again, not being able to really keep up with mia, and other various things that have nothing to do with anything. good lord it's time to move on to the next stage in the hormone roller coaster! and that's scaring the crap out of me, too. much to my surprise i didn't get ppd with mia. i was totally expecting it as i was being treated for depression when i got pregnant and was a (normal) hormonal mess while pregnant. but it never came. this time around i'm much more, shall we say, sensitive at this point and it's got me worried. after all, i didn't have to worry about a toddler the first time around. and newborns? they're a cake walk compared to a toddler.
i'm worried about what kind of mother i'm going to be to two children. right now i'm already so much more and less of the mother i thought i would be. all at the same time. does that make sense? there are things i never thought i would be able to handle and there are days when i catch myself doing things i swore i never would. but just how am i going to manage two? two who will be completely different. require me to switch gears all day long? will i be able to be the mom/teacher/playmate that mia needs while she's home with me on maternity leave? will i be able to recognize everything the new baby needs while handling mia? and will i get lost in the shuffle and forget to take care of myself this time around? and josh and i just seemed to fall back into our own relationship - will it take another two years to find each other? all these things have me up at night.
i can't wait to meet this new little person. really. and i already can't imagine having made the choice not to have another child. but still. i'm scared. and most days i just want MY mommy.
at a week past due the doctor starts you on non-stress tests to watch the baby's heart rate and make sure that your fluid levels are ok on a regular basis - that started yesterday. the baby looks good. so good, in fact, that s/he's decided that s/he doesn't ever want to come out. just like mia. what is it with these stubborn babies of mine? i don't know where they could get that. sheesh! my contraction pattern is steady all the time but unfortunately it's not doing anyone a lick of good. i have not progressed at all and things aren't looking good for a natural start to this labor. we're talking induction and/or c-section these days. it's good to have a plan going because honestly? i don't think i can handle this pregnancy much longer.
physically i'm just beat down. i feel, literally, as though i've been kicked in the crotch all day long. i have a hard time finding my balance when i stand up. the stretch marks are running a wicked race along the front of my belly and starting to actually hurt. i can't sleep at night and end up napping for hours and hours during the day. i am swollen from head to toe. all this and i know that i'm going to miss my pregnant belly. how is that even possible? oh, and as of today the dosctors are measuring the baby (+/- a pound and a half) at 9.4. HA!
emotionally there are days when all i can do is cry and nap. nap and cry. i'm so tired and uncomfortable now i don't want to move and all of these things are adding to my general depression. depressed about still being pregnant, having to go through induction again, not being able to really keep up with mia, and other various things that have nothing to do with anything. good lord it's time to move on to the next stage in the hormone roller coaster! and that's scaring the crap out of me, too. much to my surprise i didn't get ppd with mia. i was totally expecting it as i was being treated for depression when i got pregnant and was a (normal) hormonal mess while pregnant. but it never came. this time around i'm much more, shall we say, sensitive at this point and it's got me worried. after all, i didn't have to worry about a toddler the first time around. and newborns? they're a cake walk compared to a toddler.
i'm worried about what kind of mother i'm going to be to two children. right now i'm already so much more and less of the mother i thought i would be. all at the same time. does that make sense? there are things i never thought i would be able to handle and there are days when i catch myself doing things i swore i never would. but just how am i going to manage two? two who will be completely different. require me to switch gears all day long? will i be able to be the mom/teacher/playmate that mia needs while she's home with me on maternity leave? will i be able to recognize everything the new baby needs while handling mia? and will i get lost in the shuffle and forget to take care of myself this time around? and josh and i just seemed to fall back into our own relationship - will it take another two years to find each other? all these things have me up at night.
i can't wait to meet this new little person. really. and i already can't imagine having made the choice not to have another child. but still. i'm scared. and most days i just want MY mommy.
Friday, February 02, 2007
39w6d and bored.
according to the doctor i'm 1cm dilated and 75% effaced. which is more dilated than i was with mia at this point so that's something, i guess. but i've gained significantly more. at 40 weeks with mia i had only gained 28 lbs. this time around i have already gained 39. and i can feel it. i'm really not sure how i haven't broken a hip or tipped right over.
anyway...i'm bored, people. bored to tears. not bored enough to keep mia home with me, of course. no point in both of us being bored all day. and not bored enough to tackle the piles of laundry building up behind me. or bored enough to walk the dog (what? it's cold!). but bored enough to complain about it and then find something to eat while finishing up the blanket i started nearly 2 years ago. at least i'm getting something done, right? i was having more braxton hicks last night as i lay in bed so i started to visualize things progressing. but then i got bored and fell asleep.
so here i sit (while bouncing on my yoga ball), bigger than big, drinking double amounts of raspberry leaf tea to "tone my uterus" and waiting. just waiting.
anyway...i'm bored, people. bored to tears. not bored enough to keep mia home with me, of course. no point in both of us being bored all day. and not bored enough to tackle the piles of laundry building up behind me. or bored enough to walk the dog (what? it's cold!). but bored enough to complain about it and then find something to eat while finishing up the blanket i started nearly 2 years ago. at least i'm getting something done, right? i was having more braxton hicks last night as i lay in bed so i started to visualize things progressing. but then i got bored and fell asleep.
so here i sit (while bouncing on my yoga ball), bigger than big, drinking double amounts of raspberry leaf tea to "tone my uterus" and waiting. just waiting.
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