at a week past due the doctor starts you on non-stress tests to watch the baby's heart rate and make sure that your fluid levels are ok on a regular basis - that started yesterday. the baby looks good. so good, in fact, that s/he's decided that s/he doesn't ever want to come out. just like mia. what is it with these stubborn babies of mine? i don't know where they could get that. sheesh! my contraction pattern is steady all the time but unfortunately it's not doing anyone a lick of good. i have not progressed at all and things aren't looking good for a natural start to this labor. we're talking induction and/or c-section these days. it's good to have a plan going because honestly? i don't think i can handle this pregnancy much longer.
physically i'm just beat down. i feel, literally, as though i've been kicked in the crotch all day long. i have a hard time finding my balance when i stand up. the stretch marks are running a wicked race along the front of my belly and starting to actually hurt. i can't sleep at night and end up napping for hours and hours during the day. i am swollen from head to toe. all this and i know that i'm going to miss my pregnant belly. how is that even possible? oh, and as of today the dosctors are measuring the baby (+/- a pound and a half) at 9.4. HA!
emotionally there are days when all i can do is cry and nap. nap and cry. i'm so tired and uncomfortable now i don't want to move and all of these things are adding to my general depression. depressed about still being pregnant, having to go through induction again, not being able to really keep up with mia, and other various things that have nothing to do with anything. good lord it's time to move on to the next stage in the hormone roller coaster! and that's scaring the crap out of me, too. much to my surprise i didn't get ppd with mia. i was totally expecting it as i was being treated for depression when i got pregnant and was a (normal) hormonal mess while pregnant. but it never came. this time around i'm much more, shall we say, sensitive at this point and it's got me worried. after all, i didn't have to worry about a toddler the first time around. and newborns? they're a cake walk compared to a toddler.
i'm worried about what kind of mother i'm going to be to two children. right now i'm already so much more and less of the mother i thought i would be. all at the same time. does that make sense? there are things i never thought i would be able to handle and there are days when i catch myself doing things i swore i never would. but just how am i going to manage two? two who will be completely different. require me to switch gears all day long? will i be able to be the mom/teacher/playmate that mia needs while she's home with me on maternity leave? will i be able to recognize everything the new baby needs while handling mia? and will i get lost in the shuffle and forget to take care of myself this time around? and josh and i just seemed to fall back into our own relationship - will it take another two years to find each other? all these things have me up at night.
i can't wait to meet this new little person. really. and i already can't imagine having made the choice not to have another child. but still. i'm scared. and most days i just want MY mommy.
5 comments:
Reading this makes me want to cry. I can only imagine how uncomfortable and tired you are. I was just on your side of things, but you've got weeks on my and jaysus, I was tired and sore and uncomfortable. And I imagine you are me, only a lot more so. And I'm so sorry. I'm sure this kid is going to be cute and a firecracker and all that Mia is only totally different, but christ, could he/she COME ON OUT FOR THE LOVE OF PETE. It's not funny anymore.
Also. I'm finding, four days on with it, that I'm already a better mother to Matilda, nevermind the new kid, as I can move around again. It helps, having an empty body.
Anyway. I feel for you. And I actually am crying about it.
I want my mommy most days and I'm not even pregnant:0) Hang in there . You'll be a great mom to two kids don't you worry. Just take this extra time to relax. If thats even possible ! I'll be praying that labor will come soon and you will be at peace.
I know exactly what you mean about being more and less of a mother than you thought you'd be. I find myself going back and forth between the two hourly.
I know you are going to be great though. And I'm crossing my fingers the doc's measurements are at least 2 pounds too high!
Women are more likely than men to suffer from depression, especially during their reproductive years. Rates of depression are higher where stressful circumstances exist such as poverty, lack of education, sexual inequality, poor social support and in pregnancy. Single and adolescent pregnant women are especially at risk. http://www.xanax-effects.com/
you may not see this since the post is three years old, but thank you for your honesty.
I am "past due" and feel most of the same things you write about. it's my first so I don't know how moms do any of this with a toddler...but i have depression and for the most part it's been better during the pregnancy. but today i think how I'm going to be a depressed mom for this kid's life.
winter sucks.
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